Pilgrim Pathways: Notes for a Diaspora People

Incarnational Discipleship

Not Quite: Things That Are Almost True About American Christianity

  • It’s Almost True that there are more Dutch Calvinists in Grand Rapids, Michigan than in Amsterdam.
  • It’s Almost True that if a small Southern town has only two (2) churches, one will be Baptist and the other Methodist.
  • It’s Almost True that rural Methodists are “reasonable Baptists” and Big City Methodists are “wannabe Episcopalians.”
  • It’s Almost True that before the 1960s, The Episcopal Church was “the Republican Party at Prayer.” It’s Almost True that this title is now shared by the Assemblies of God and the Southern Baptist Convention.
  • It’s Almost True that some Congregationalists are so liberal that “U.C.C.” stands for “Unitarians Considering Christ.”
  • It’s Almost True that many American Evangelicals think that the “Cold War” refers to the rivalry between Fuller Theological Seminary and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School.
  • It’s Almost True that wherever there are two Baptists, there are three opinions.
  • It’s Almost True that one can determine where a revival preacher is on the theological spectrum by how many syllables s/he uses to pronounce the name “Jesus.”
  • It’s Almost True that the real reason Southern Baptists don’t approve of sex in a standing position (even for married couples) is that it might lead to dancing.
  • It’s Almost True that the results of the Roman Catholic “rhythym method” of natural birth control demonstrates that most Catholics are truly offbeat.
  • It’s Almost True that where one finds four (4) Episcopalians, one finds a fifth.
  • It’s Almost True that Minnesota Lutherans are divided over whether to sue Garrison Keillor for defamation of character or give him an award for publicity.
  • It’s Almost True that United Methodists can’t agree on what unites them.
  • It’s Almost True that most American “praise songs” have all the theological content of a Zen koan.
  • It’s Almost True that “Emerging Christianity” will have fully emerged as THE future of the American churches–just as soon as adherents can produce a definition of “Emerging Christianity” that more than two people agree upon.
  • It’s Almost True Presbyterians even conduct church schisms “in good order.”
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August 14, 2010 - Posted by | humor

2 Comments »

  1. Not to the same level as yours…
    It’s almost true that the safest place for a six pack of beer is between two Baptists.
    It’s also almost true the most dangerous place for a six pack of beer is in front of one Baptist.

    Comment by Fish | August 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Nice. It’s almost true that a good definition of “Baptist” is someone who never drinks alcohol–with friends. 🙂

      Comment by Michael Westmoreland-White | August 14, 2010 | Reply


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